


Alternative Coda

by Missyhissy3



Series: A slightly different journey [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Coda, Drama, F/M, Friendship/Love, Romance, series 3 episode 15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 10:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20190859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missyhissy3/pseuds/Missyhissy3
Summary: What if... it had been Chakotay who had been critically injured and whose mind had been invaded by an alien presence when their shuttle crashed?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Posted in January 2014 on fanfiction.net. Archiving it here now.
> 
> I'm on holiday enjoying with a little time to myself so I edited out the chaff from this - it's a bit shorter, which, I hope, has slightly improved it.
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters are obviously not mine.

He opened his eyes to find himself looking down at his own prostrate body. Bent over it was the unmistakable form of Kathryn Janeway.

From where he was standing it looked as if she was in the middle of attempting cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

_Awful dream. Had enough of this. Wake up. Now._

_Can't... That's odd..._

For several seconds he continued to try to jog his mind into waking up. Force himself to snap out of this. Nothing happened.

Then he shouted to her, called her name several times, waited for her to look up and reply.

She didn't.

He shouted again. Still no reaction. He moved closer, reached out to touch her, but his hand passed straight through her upper arm. He tried again. And again. He was unable to touch her.

_One hell of a dream._

The scene before him continued; his captain pumping with considerable force the chest of the body that was clearly his, stopping at one point to check for a pulse, then resuming the rhythmic movements immediately.

"Come on, Chakotay!" she urged, as she bent over to connect with his lips to try to force air into his lungs.

Another minute elapsed as he continued trying to wake himself up; although this didn't feel like a dream.

Could there be another explanation? He needed a working hypothesis. How come he could pass his hand straight through her? She didn't seem able to detect him at all, yet the body that lay motionless on the floor next to her obviously did exist in her reality. Had he unintentionally entered a lucid dream? _Lucid nightmare more like_.

He tapped the back of his hand three times. Still nothing. That familiar feeling of suppressed anxiety began to fizz through his veins. After another minute or so of watching this distressing scene, his breathing began to speed up. He needed to focus in order to stave off the panic that threatened to break through the surface of his anxiety. The conscious effort to slow his breathing worked. He felt calmer.

Perhaps this wasn't a lucid dream? Perhaps his consciousness had been detached from his physical body again somehow, as it had been once in the first year of their journey? Perhaps he himself had shifted somehow out of phase?

He had been watching her for several minutes now, and she still didn't seem to be having any success with her attempts to get this body breathing again. She said his name again, and then in between connecting with his mouth she shouted, "Damn it, Chakotay, come on! Breathe!"

Still no change. She continued her efforts with the same level of energy, occasional utterances escaping from her lips as she pumped the chest forcefully.

"Come on! I won't let this happen! _Come on!"_

The force she was now applying might well be enough to crack a rib or two, but she still wasn't getting any response.

Chakotay looked around. Both of their uniforms were charred and torn. Her hair was disheveled and her face and hands smeared with smoke residue. Visible across the forehead of the body was a deep, bloody gash, half of the hairline was matted with dried blood; clear evidence of severe trauma to the head. It wouldn't be long before this body would have gone so long without adequate oxygen that brain damage was almost inevitable.

Perhaps the ship would contact her soon? Perhaps the Doctor would still be able to do something?

He tried desperately to remember why they were even here on this planet.

It started to come back to him. The last thing he remembered was trying to land the shuttle in an ion storm. The shuttle had reeled as a huge blast of ion lightning had hit them just as he had started the final descent. He must have passed out when the shuttle crash-landed, and she must have pulled him from the wreckage. He looked across at the shuttle. Even from this distance it was clear that it was in pretty bad shape; it was also clear that she had done well to drag this body that far.

He turned his attention back to his captain. She probably wasn't aware of it, but the speed at which she was pumping her first officer's chest had increased considerably. Experience told him that she was going too fast. Knowledge and experience also told him that by now she ought to have stopped.

He didn't know how long he had been watching, or how long she had been attempting this before he had materialised opposite her, but when they had entered the ion storm it had been nowhere near nightfall. Now it was dusk. Several hours could have passed since he had been knocked unconscious. She might have been knocked out too. It was also possible that his body had already stopped breathing long before she had regained consciousness.

If their positions were reversed, he would have probably given up trying to revive her by this point. As he looked at the body lying lifelessly beneath her, he instinctively knew that it was already dead. It was still impossible to believe that this body was his. There was just no feeling of connection.

He knelt down next to her and spoke to her again, but this time with no real expectation that she would be able to hear him. He told her that it was OK to stop. That it was too late now. That there was nothing more she could do.

She continued. Her efforts ever more desperate perhaps, but no less determined.

Then suddenly her communicator chirped. She cut Tuvok off in mid hail to shout, "Medical emergency! Two to beam directly to sickbay!"

Tuvok informed her that they would be in transporter range in two minutes. She shouted her acknowledgment and continued working.

"Come on, Chakotay, we can do this! Hold on!" she ordered the body beneath her.

[TBC}


	2. Chapter 2

Three days had elapsed since the shuttle crash. Three days since he'd stood by in disbelief as the Doctor had pronounced his corporeal body dead in sickbay.

The memorial service was scheduled for the following day.

He hadn't slept. It seemed he no longer needed to.

For three days and three nights he had wandered through the ship, accompanied by the spirit of his father.

In the immediate aftermath of his death, following Kes's revelation that she'd felt his presence and believed his consciousness to be trapped somewhere - perhaps he really was disembodied just like in the first year of their journey - he had seen the crew working relentlessly to try and find any shred of evidence at all to support her conviction.

Kathryn had attacked the task with a driven energy, applying all of her considerable skill as a scientist to the search for answers.

The first two days had seen her maintain a fiercely optimistic outlook as to the possibility of success. She had barely slept during this time, working until exhaustion had brought her literally to her knees and Tuvok or Tom Paris had insisted she go to her quarters.

Chakotay had watched as she'd continued to work in her quarters long after they'd believed her to be sleeping, reviewing again and again all the data they had accumulated, in search of anything they might have overlooked.

The first night, she hadn't changed into her nightgown, but had just taken off her jacket, kicked off her boots, and taken the PADDs to bed with her to continue her work, not bothering to climb under the covers. He had sat on her bed next to her reading what data he could, trying to keep his hopes alive of finding a way back. The spirit of his father settled himself on the floor, leaning back against the bulkhead that separated her room from Chakotay's empty quarters.

When Kathryn had finally succumbed to her body's demands for rest and had closed her eyes and laid her head back to sleep for a few hours amidst the scattered PADDs, Chakotay had carried on working through all that he could access of the data.

The second night had followed a similar pattern, although her state of exhaustion had been more evident. He had been unable to stop himself from trying to stroke her hair when she finally lay sleeping next to him with her face pressed into a pillow.

After three days of fruitless endeavour the crew's hopes of finding evidence to substantiate Kes's theory had gradually faded. His own hopes faded with them. He could see as well as they could that there was nothing to suggest the situation was the same as it had been when he had been disembodied before. But of more significance to him than the lack of evidence was the fact that he didn't feel the same. He couldn't influence people, couldn't share their consciousness as he had before. In fact there was nothing about this that felt the same.

And then there was his father.

He had no explanation as to how he found himself accompanied by this being who had introduced himself as the spirit of his late father. Everything about him was right. He looked, spoke, felt like Kolopak. Chakotay had not been able to think up an explanation for this situation that was any more convincing than the one this being had offered.

As he had observed the crew gradually begin to accept they were not going to find his disembodied consciousness this time, he had felt as if his life force was slowly bleeding out through a wound he could not locate.

At the end of this, the third day, the crew had finally agreed to abandon the search.

Harry Kim and B'Elanna had struggled to accept the captain's decision and had argued for more time. Tom Paris had sat silently during that briefing, acceptance of the inevitable written almost as clearly on his face as it had been on Tuvok's. It had been strange to see these two men so allied, since he had seen them react in such different ways in the immediate aftermath of the shuttle crash.

He had wished he had still been solid enough in form to bang his head against the wall when he had been witness to Tuvok's completely inadequate attempts, or rather non-attempts, to comfort the Captain three days earlier.

XXX

Three days earlier...

When the Doctor finally pronounced Chakotay's body dead, Kathryn walked out of sickbay before the Doctor or Kes could speak with her, and made her way directly to her ready room. Chakotay followed her, rode in the turbo lift beside her, agitated and unable to stand still, his mind racing as he struggled to make sense of what was happening to him. She stood rigid, staring straight ahead.

When they exited the lift, Tuvok watched her cross the bridge. He only followed her into her ready room when Tom Paris turned right round at the helm and stared at him pointedly. Tuvok had looked across to find a similarly expectant expression on Harry Kim's face. Chakotay then followed Tuvok in. What he saw made him wish he had stayed outside.

Kathryn was sitting on the sofa in the raised area of the room. She was unnaturally still and seemed to be just sitting, head lowered, hands gripping her knees. As Tuvok approached the steps up to the raised section, she looked up at him and her expression halted his advance.

"He's dead."

"Captain, I... "

For once the Vulcan seemed unable to complete a sentence; in any case she continued before he had the chance.

"The crew needs to be told." Her voice was still clear, belying the tears that had begun to spill out over her cheeks.

"Of course, Captain. I will do so. The loss of the Commander will weigh heavily on the crew. Undoubtedly the Doctor will offer counselling to all those deeply affected by these events."

She stood up, as if there was something she needed to do, but then paused and faltered. Resting one hand on her hip, she raised the other hand to her forehead, then covered her mouth with it. In the wake of the acknowledgement of the facts, now that she had spoken those words out loud, it was as if she were trying to decide how to move forward from this point in time.

As Chakotay watched her he thought he had rarely seen anyone so desperately in need of human contact as she was in that moment. She was in need of someone to offer themselves as a physical anchor, to help her regain her purchase on this unexpected present; but Tuvok just stood there distant and immobile, looking up at her.

A powerful wave of frustrated fury broke over Chakotay. Tuvok had lived among humans long enough to know that there were times when they needed physical comfort. His Captain was in need and yet he offered her nothing of himself. It seemed that those few solemn words were all he had. Tuvok turned and silently withdrew from her ready room, to carry out her orders no doubt. Chakotay slammed his fist into the palm of his other hand and swore.

He was left alone with her as she floundered. It was pure torture. He found himself standing right next to her trying to touch her, even though he already knew it was impossible. Speaking to her, even though he knew she couldn't hear him.

A few moments later when Tom Paris came in, immediately after Tuvok had made his announcement to the crew presumably, Chakotay had never been so glad to see him; and seconds later, never more grateful to him for his humanity. She was still standing, both hands gripping the rail that separated the two levels of the room now, her head bowed and her body motionless.

Tom walked straight up the steps to her. She looked up and turned, letting go of the rail, and he simply gathered her to him without hesitation and said, "I'm so sorry," as he enveloped her slight frame in an embrace.

She clung to him for what seemed like an eternity before she eventually pulled away. Then she and Tom sat down on the sofa, remaining there together for quite some time. Within minutes, she regained her composure enough to begin to tell him about what had happened.

Chakotay followed them out when they finally emerged from the ready room. As they crossed the bridge, Harry Kim also saw what Tuvok did not, and hugged Kathryn immediately, despite his obvious nervousness about embracing the woman of whom he was still so much in awe.

Before Kathryn got any further, Kes appeared on the bridge, followed shortly afterwards by the entity claiming to be the spirit of Kolopak, and then everything changed.

Kes looked directly at Chakotay as she stepped off the turbolift, and seemed to be able to sense his presence for a fraction of a second. She wasted no time in trying to convince the others of what she believed she had experienced. From that point on the senior team found themselves pulling together with an unparalleled focus to try and find evidence to substantiate Kes's theory that Chakotay was still alive somehow.

Chakotay found himself thrown further and further into confusion. Kes claimed she had sensed his presence, but despite everything he tried from that point on - and for hours on end he tried every single thing he could think of - she didn't seem to be able to sense him again.

The being who introduced himself as the spirit of his father explained patiently to Chakotay that Kes's telepathic abilities had allowed her to sense his presence, but only because she had been with him not long after his death. It was too late now. Even as little as three or four hours after his death, Kolopak assured him it could not happen again. He said that it was only a matter of time now before Chakotay left the living behind and joined the spirits of his ancestors. Kolopak was there to ease this transition, so his son would have no fear of what was to come.

After trying again and again throughout the morning of the second day, Chakotay finally accepted that he was no longer able to make Kes aware of his presence. He left her, to shadow Kathryn much of the time, the spirit of his dead father shadowing him. He also found himself seeking out B'Elanna, Mike Ayala, and also Tom Paris, because Paris seemed to be sticking close to B'Elanna. Tom kept B'Elanna company, silently offering her support with his continued presence, in much the same way as Chakotay himself would have done, were their positions reversed.

Tom sat with her while she attempted to enter a vision quest to seek out Chakotay in the spirit world. B'Elanna had tried to send Paris away twice, but he had persisted, and she had eventually relented and allowed him to stay. Not once did he say or do anything that might imply that he doubted her chances of success. Chakotay knew how hard it must have been for B'Elanna to try and open herself up to this sort of spiritual experience again. He felt a rush of affection for her as he watched her struggling to centre herself enough to find the state of calm relaxation necessary for initiating the quest. It was hard for him to watch her move through self-recrimination to despondency as she finally admitted defeat and abandoned her attempts.

Chakotay had felt numb as he had witnessed the briefing for the senior staff late that afternoon, during which B'Elanna and Harry had struggled so. At the end of the discussion, Kathryn had said that the time had come to call off the search and to accept that Chakotay was dead. She had announced that there would be a memorial service the following day.

On the evening of the third day Chakotay had watched Mike Ayala weep silently, as his friend had sat alone in the corner of the mess hall in front of a meal he wasn't eating. He felt his heart drag as he realised his name would be added to the long list of friends and family this man had already lost.

As the third day blurred into the fourth, Chakotay had found himself following Kathryn exclusively, watching again as she slept, unable to tear himself away. It would have taken more strength than he had left not to watch her, despite his awareness of her right to privacy as she slept. In any case, by this point the growing acceptance of his own condition meant that he had begun to feel exempt from the mores governing the living.

The spirit of his father said little, often sitting with his eyes closed in what seemed like a meditative state. He seemed little inclined to initiate debate about his claims concerning Chakotay's condition. He had stated what would happen and seemed content to wait for his son's acceptance. If it was true that it was only a matter of time before Chakotay joined the spirit world himself, then Chakotay could no longer bear to lose even a minute of the remaining time he could spend in the presence of his friend and captain.

Now that he was beginning to accept that his life was over, he realised the enormity of the mistake it had been, never to tell her directly how he felt. There was nowhere to hide from that realisation now, no reason to hide from it anymore, nothing to distract him. Concerns like the need to hold fast to Starfleet protocols seemed completely inconsequential, ridiculous even now, balanced against the truth and the weight of his feelings. He'd accepted years ago that his life could end abruptly. He'd been well aware that joining the Maquis wasn't exactly likely to increase his life expectancy, and his prominent role in away missions in the Delta Quadrant hadn't done much to improve those odds. What he hadn't expected, however, was to find himself with hours and hours to reflect upon the choices he'd made in his life as it came to a close.

As he had watched her struggle to stay in control and lead the crew through these dark days, he found he regretted so much about the past few months.

On the third night he could no longer bear to sit next to her on her bed as she slept. Now that he was beginning to accept he would soon be leaving her, the level of anxiety the paradox of her untouchable proximity inspired in him was too great. He needed to start to let her go but he still didn't know how. He thought it might help if he were to sit on the floor instead. So he sat, legs stretched out in from of him, shoulder to shoulder with his father.

Looking across at her as she slept in her bed, he found himself counting all the different ways he could have argued for a change in their relationship after the time they had spent alone together on the planet in Videan space. He would have given anything to have that time again, so he could at least try to convince her to acknowledge openly what had begun to unfold between them. He regretted that he had died without ever knowing what she felt for him. He regretted his decision not to insist she have that conversation with him, even if she hadn't wanted to. If he had insisted, then she would have known beyond any doubt exactly how much she was loved. He should have given her the gift of that certain knowledge. It would have been something. He felt absurdly guilty for dying and leaving her alone.

Regret was a destructive emotion, and it ate away at him from the inside out. The irrational guilt just compounded things. He would gladly have traded this particular torment for the more familiar emotions of anger or the desire for revenge that had consumed him in earlier years.

Gradually, as the fourth day dawned, there was a certain peace to be found in his growing acceptance of the fact that his life was over. His failure to tell her plainly how he felt was one of the few things still causing him anguish.

As he sat on the floor with his back against the wall of the bulkhead adjoining his own quarters, tears slid unnoticed down his face. His father sat beside him saying nothing, simply waiting.

[TBC]


	3. Chapter 3

Earlier that evening, day three: 20.00 hrs. Captain's ready room.

Chakotay followed B'Elanna into the ready room. The spirit of his father accompanied him, went straight up to the raised area of the room and settled himself cross-legged on the floor next to the table.

What would Kolopak have thought if he'd witnessed his son's attempts to share their spiritual heritage in that same spot years before?

Kathryn looked up as B'Elanna entered. "Thank you for coming, B'Elanna, do sit down."

As she did so, Chakotay seated himself on the steps that led up to the raised area.

"Thank you, Captain." The young engineer sat, looking slightly uncomfortable.

Perhaps his absence was making her think about how rarely she had been in this room alone with the Captain? Engineering concerns were obviously central to the smooth running of the ship, so he and Kathryn had held joint briefings with B'Elanna whenever they could. Engineering had been responsible for some of the livelier and more entertaining meetings this room had borne witness to over the years. B'Elanna's unconventional methods had delivered in so many ways. This meeting was in stark contrast.

Kathryn's genuine concern for B'Elanna was almost palpable. "Are you feeling any better, since the briefing?"

Chakotay watched as his friend shifted uneasily under her captain's anxious gaze. "I'm trying, Captain. Really I am, but it's hard not to keep looking."

Kathryn straightened up in her seat, pursed her lips slightly and looked down at her desk before carrying on. "You know my position on this, B'Elanna, we had to draw a line somewhere. It was never going to be easy."

Her determination to get through this meeting in a professional manner and to help her engineer accept the inevitable in as painless a way as she could was clear; as clear as the tension inhabiting her body, causing the intermittent, involuntary clenching of her jaw.

It was also clear that B'Elanna was trying, but it seemed that her resolve to hold back was already failing. "I understand that," she replied, "but it's only been a few days, and there's-"

"I haven't asked you here to re-open the discussion, Lieutenant." The authority conveyed through these few words was unmistakable, as was the determination to move this conversation on. And she was justified in her position. They had found no evidence whatsoever to substantiate Kes's theory; but it was still hard to hear Kathryn Janeway say those words, and the words that followed.

"I wanted to ask you if you would like to speak at the memorial service tomorrow."

B'Elanna paused before answering, presumably since agreeing to speak meant implicit acceptance of the end of the search and the reality of his death. Finally she replied. "Yes, Captain. I would. I'll prepare something."

As her response and its significance settled between them, Kathryn was visibly relieved and some of the tension left the room. "Is there anyone else you think I should approach? Any other former Maquis who you think would want to speak?"

"I... I'm not sure; I'll give it some thought and get back to you. I don't think Mike Ayala wouldn't want to speak publicly, but I'll ask him."

"Thank you, I'd appreciate your input." Despite the earlier awkwardness, it now seemed as if the two women were reaching an understanding of sorts.

B'Elanna studied her captain's face for a moment before asking, "Will you be leading the service?"

"Yes, I intend to."

Now it was B'Elanna's turn to look relieved. "Thank you, Captain. I know it will be hard, but I'm grateful you're going to do it."

"I want to, B'Elanna."

Kathryn smiled briefly and stood, but B'Elanna remained where she was rather than responding to the Captain's obvious cue that this meeting was over. Odd. It wasn't like B'Elanna to linger. She seemed to be steeling herself to speak, and as he watched her face, Chakotay felt an sudden surge of inexplicable anxiety.

B'Elanna looked Kathryn in the eye. "Look... I know this is none of my business, and I would never have dreamt of telling you this if he were still alive..." She looked away for a beat before reconnecting with Kathryn's gaze. "He was in love with you. He never told me so directly, but I know him- knew him well, and he said enough."

A flush of colour could be seen rising through Janeway's complexion, but her expression remained neutral, if strained.

B'Elanna seemed to take the silence as encouragement enough. "I'm telling you because there's no reason not to now... and I think maybe he would've wanted you to know."

Kathryn found her voice again. "I appreciate your candor, Lieutenant, but I'm not sure this is the time to talk about this."

B'Elanna sighed, and Chakotay exhaled slowly. For her part B'Elanna looked as if she had been expecting a response of this kind from.

She stood to leave, but not without adding, "I understand if you'd rather not talk about it right now, but I just thought you should know, if you didn't already... For the rest of us that knew him well, it was kind of an open secret, I just didn't know if you knew that. Believe it or not, I think I understand why you felt you couldn't have this conversation before - with anyone. But now? Surely now it's different? If there comes a time when you do want to talk, you know where to find me."

"Thank you, B'Elanna, I'll keep that in mind." The reply was much more subdued, the tone of authority faltering slightly.

B'Elanna left and Chakotay watched as Kathryn sat back down heavily at her desk and looked over towards the viewport and the passing stars. When her gaze returned to her desk, she seemed drawn to the framed photograph of her fiancé that she kept there. Her fingertips grazed the frame and then she pulled it towards her. The image seemed to hold her attention for a moment before she pushed it aside. She closed her eyes and her brow knitted slightly.

Everything he knew about her told him that she wouldn't take B'Elanna up on her offer. She was probably moved by the younger woman's desire to help her deal with this loss, especially since B'Elanna herself was dealing with the loss of her own closest friend on board. But it seemed highly unlikely Kathryn would be able to open herself up in that way to anyone. As far as Chakotay knew there was no one on _Voyager_ with whom she could speak freely. Her convictions about what it meant to be captain - all of the weight and responsibility that her rank signified for her - would always undermine any attempts she might have wanted to make to share her innermost thoughts with anyone on board.

With Chakotay it had been clear that she had felt she could voice some of the issues that worried her, and Tuvok had helped her through difficult territory at times, but this was quite different. This was deeply personal.

Discussing the possibility that she might have harboured feelings beyond friendship for her first officer? Acknowledging what it meant to her to have been reliably informed now that it was likely he had been in love with her? No, there was no one on this ship with whom she would feel she could have that conversation.

He found himself thinking back to the first conversation they'd had about the need for a ship's counsellor at the beginning of their journey. He could still see her clearly in his mind's eye as she had leant over towards him in their seats on the bridge and whispered conspiratorially that the nature of their mission hadn't required one. He remembered his inner amusement at this, as he'd thought that it was probably more accurate to say that the nature of _her_ crew hadn't required one. Chakotay's emotional shipwreck of a Maquis crew could have kept a counsellor busy for years. Not for the first time, he remembered thinking that it was probably a damn good job she hadn't been provided with much intelligence on anyone other than the most prominent members of his Maquis cell. If she'd had detailed information on the likes of Suder or Jonas, the brig for 75 years option might have seemed like the best solution to her. She might even have decided to put them off at the first M class planet they'd come across, rather than try to bring them into the fold. Sometimes ignorance was a blessing.

The door chime sounded and brought his attention back to the ready room. Tuvok entered and stood in the centre of the room looking up at her.

"Commander," she started, "what can I do for you?"

"Captain, I believe I would be failing in my duties were I not to point out that you are in need of sustenance. Would you care to join me in the mess hall for a meal?"

_Finally catching on are you? Finally realised it's up to you now? It's only taken you three days._

Chakotay checked himself. That was unfair. Tuvok had already been attempting to ensure her well-being in his own way ever since the crash. It was Chakotay's own impotence here that was the real source of his frustration and he was self-aware enough to recognise this.

Kathryn managed a small but genuine smile for her acting first officer. "Thank you, Tuvok, you're right, I do need to eat something, but I think I'd prefer to eat in my quarters tonight. I agree that right now we do need to maintain a visible presence for the crew however, so I am glad you intend to eat in the mess hall. I shall be sure to be seen there tomorrow."

"Very well, Captain." The Vulcan stood his ground, unreadable as ever.

"Was there anything else?" A slight strain returned to her voice.

"I have scheduled the memorial service for 16.00 hours tomorrow to allow for maximum attendance, and I have assigned a skeleton crew to cover essential duty stations. Are there any other preparations I could relieve you of, Captain?"

"Thank you, Tuvok, no. I believe everything is in hand. I shall be leading the service and several members of the senior team have expressed their desire to speak. B'Elanna, and also Harry, Tom and Neelix. Would you like to do so?"

Did this question mean that the Kathryn's sense of mischief was managing to poke its head out from behind her evident grief? Her expression belied Chakotay's musings though, as the sincerity there was unmistakable. If Vulcans could look uncomfortable then Tuvok would be doing just that.

There had always been two things that he and Tuvok had in common; a devotion to the Captain and a determination to perform their duties to the best of their abilities. In many ways they had worked together successfully for over three years. Only now was one consequence of this successful cooperation evident; Kathryn remained unaware of the true extent of the lingering mistrust that persisted between them.

For the first time since this ordeal had begun, Chakotay felt himself smile. It was actually mildly entertaining to watch as the Vulcan tried to extricate himself from this.

"Thank you, Captain, for offering me the opportunity to commemorate the Commander publicly. I will, however, decline, as I believe the other speakers will do justice to his memory, and I prefer to carry out the ritual commemoration in private. As a private man himself, I am sure the Commander would have understood."

"Yes, of course, Tuvok. If that's all?"

"Thank you, Captain, yes. I will leave you to your meal."

"Meal? Oh, yes, dinner. Yes, I'll walk with you." She stood and made her way towards the door to follow Tuvok out.

Kolopak got up slowly from where he had been seated on the floor and looked towards his son. He had been so still that Chakotay had almost forgotten he was there. Chakotay motioned to him to follow the others out onto the bridge.

As he drew near to his son, Kolopak said, "You need not worry so much for her, Chakotay. Your Kathryn is strong."

"She isn't mine," he replied quietly. Almost immediately, he sighed as he wondered whether his father would hear an echo of his sullen, fifteen year old son.

Kolopak put his hand on Chakotay's shoulder and smiled.

[TBC]


	4. Chapter 4

Day four: the mess hall

As B'Elanna finished speaking and returned to the side of the room, Kathryn moved to the front. She stood before the assembled crew, her gaze moving slowly from face to face. As it had done when she had spoken briefly to open the floor to those who wished to speak, her commanding presence created a sense of anticipation. When she began, her unique, husky voice carried into the furthest corners of the mess hall.

"Thank you to all those who have spoken here today. I know it wasn't easy but I think it will help us all accept what's happened. When death occurs unexpectedly, it seems we're always ill-prepared to face it.

As Captain, you all know I have spoken before at memorial services for members of this crew. And before this mission, I had given more than one eulogy for colleagues with whom I had served. However, I have never before spoken at a memorial service for someone I knew as well as I knew Chakotay."

She paused and looked down for a moment. From where Chakotay and the spirit of his father were standing, close to viewport at the far end of the room, Chakotay could see her clearly in profile.

She seemed to succeed in overcoming whatever had caused her to stop, and looked up again and continued. "I've lost colleagues, friends, and family members. But when it came to those who were closest to me, I left it to others speak at the service. I don't want to leave it all to others today. It meant a lot to me to hear the tributes to Chakotay some of you have shared here. And now I am determined to honour him myself."

At this point she looked across towards the viewport, and Chakotay found himself looking directly into her eyes as she continued. "A few months ago when I addressed you all from the planet Chakotay and I were stranded on, you may remember I said that I've never liked goodbyes. I kept my address to you short that day, partly for that reason and partly because it was very hard for me to accept that you would be carrying on; continuing on the journey without us.

Today, like many of you, I'm finding it very hard to accept that we will be continuing on this journey without Chakotay.

Chakotay once told me I brought him peace; I never felt I had the freedom to tell him exactly what he'd brought to my life in return. And that's something I regret. It's easy to let things go unsaid, to presume others know. I'd like to share with you now some of the things I should have said to him."

Chakotay swallowed and looked down, unable to continue looking into her unfocused eyes, even though she couldn't see him.

"From the first day that we met, in circumstances neither of us were prepared for, his support gave me the courage to believe that we would find a way to make sense of the impossible situation we found ourselves in. I didn't expect him to trust me. I didn't expect him to immediately agree to work with me, to follow my lead. I was unprepared for so much about him.

I was unprepared for his faith in me. Unprepared for his directness sometimes. Unprepared for the affection he offered and inspired. The distance of command I'd always been comfortable with was something he could collapse with a smile. There have been times since we've been out here that I have needed someone to close down that distance and he saw that long before I did.

His unswerving faith in me and his readiness to trust my judgment allowed me to have faith in myself at times when I know that without his counsel I would have faltered. Faith is a precious and powerful gift."

He looked up and into her eyes again and felt his father's hand come to rest on his shoulder.

"All of us here know that he was a fine officer and an inspiring leader. More importantly, he was a good man. A man of strong convictions, with a reliable moral compass and a warm and generous heart. To me he was a beloved friend; my best friend."

Before continuing, she focussed on the floor in front of her for a moment as she took a deep breath. When she looked up her eyes seemed to sweep slowly around the room, taking in each individual before her. The next few words were given particular weight and delivered with extreme clarity. No one could have doubted her resolve.

"To those of you who were part of his Maquis crew, I make you this promise. When we get home, _which we will_, I will honour Chakotay's memory by fighting for your freedom just as fiercely as I would have fought for his."

Hopefully, even the most sceptical and hardened amongst Chakotays' former crew would see that she was serious in this commitment.

She pressed on. "The best way that we can honour his memory now is to find a way back. I know he would not want us to give up just because he won't be there with us, anymore than I would, were our situations reversed. He was as stubborn as I am; that was one of the many things we had in common."

Chakotay found himself looking at the spirit of his father, who tilted his head slightly, and raised an amused eyebrow in recognition.

"In the event of his death, Chakotay believed his spirit would carry on. I choose to believe that too, and I know that his spirit will stay with us for the entirety of our journey home and beyond."

For the first time there was a catch in her voice as she tried and failed to complete her next sentence.

"I know that if I had asked him to, he would have stayed by my side for- "

She seemed to run out of breath, swallowing the final word. She looked down, shook her head slightly, paused for a second before raising her chin again to face the assembly.

"Like many of you, I will miss him every day."

She turned to look towards the viewport, and continued. "We will honour Commander Chakotay one last time." The assembled crew turned as one to watch. Her voice came again. "Release the pod."

Chakotay watched as the pod carrying what he had now accepted was his own body moved out into space.

Janeway seemed to recover her fluency to finish. "Neelix has prepared some food, so please join with me now to share this food and your memories of all that Chakotay brought to our lives. And please remember, my door is always open to anyone who wants to talk."

A look pass between Kathryn and her chief engineer, as B'Elanna made her way across the room.

Chakotay turned to the spirit of his father; the older man was looking straight at him. He found he already knew what his father was going to say.

"It is time now, Chakotay."

XXX

In the background Chakotay could hear subdued conversations starting up as the crew dispersed around the mess hall. The spirit of his father drew him further aside.

"What happens now?" Chakotay asked. "What do I do to leave here?"

"It is not a matter of doing, my son. Just decide. The only thing that keeps you here now is your refusal to leave, your reluctance to leave them behind."

Chakotay began to consider this, when suddenly he felt a violent, stabbing pain in his head, so intense that he lost his balance completely and cried out as he fell to the floor. After a few seconds the incapacitating spike of pain receded slightly and he tried desperately to open his eyes and focus again on the scene around him. As he did so, he saw the immediately recognisable figure of his grandfather standing over him.

"_Grandfather_?" he forced out through his confusion, pulling himself slowly back up to standing using the wall as support.

"Chakotay, listen to me, you must not go with him, it is not your time," the old man said urgently as he helped him up.

Chakotay looked from the spirit of his father to this new apparition. The first spoke to him soothingly. "My son, your mind is playing tricks on you. You must dismiss this vision, it is nothing more than your fear speaking. You wish to deny what must be."

It was as if the ground beneath him was shifting. He held on to the edge of the viewport for support, as he stared at the vision of his grandfather; a vision every bit as life-like as the spirit of his father standing on his other side.

Addressing the younger man he said, "I don't understand, why would I want to see Grandfather, now, here?"

"You were never one to take the easy path, Chakotay. You must ignore this. It is time to stop fighting now and come with me. It is time to decide."

"I need answers; I don't understand this!" He forced himself to stand unaided, trying to think past the throbbing in his head.

"It is not a matter for understanding, my son. It is a matter of belief. You have long since embraced the beliefs of our people and now you will join me."

These last words seemed to echo in the air as another crippling wave of pain tore through the left side of Chakotay's head and shot down his spine. Again he cried out involuntarily as the intensity of it felled him once more.

As it subsided, he found himself lying on his side on the floor. If another stab of pain like that came he wasn't sure he'd be able to withstand it. He'd never known pain like it, and he had endured much before this in the course of his life.

This time, as he dragged himself back up to standing, he found the new apparition of his grandfather supporting him.

"Chakotay, the voices of the spirits say that this is not my son, the one they called Kolopak. These are not his words. This is not the way of the spirits. You must trust me. If you trust me, he will leave you where you belong."

The grandfather apparition held Chakotay upright, taking some of his weight by draping one of Chakotay's arms over his shoulders.

The spirit of his father moved closer and tried to pull Chakotay towards him. "All this is wasting time, Chakotay. We should go now, it is time, leave this crazy old man and come with me."

Suddenly everything around him grew dark. His struggled to know which way was up, as he felt like he was lying flat on his back, and as he looked up, he found he was looking up into the face of Kathryn Janeway. Beside her in the darkness he could just make out the Doctor.

Their voices crashed in on him. "Fight it, Chakotay, please! I need you to fight this!"

_Kathryn?_

"The entity is still inhabiting his cerebral cortex, inhibiting my treatment, but we're definitely making progress here."

And then it was gone. He was back in his grandfather's arms in the mess hall, half standing. "What was that?" he asked, looking around wildly.

"What, my son?" asked the spirit of his father.

"I saw her, Kathryn, on the planet! And the Doctor-"

"It is your mind, struggling to accept. Just like this- this pitiful soul here, this hallucination. You are desperate to deny the truth. Perhaps you have not fully embraced the truth of the spirits in your heart yet, my son? You were always one to doubt. Come with me now and it will all become clear to you."

As he said this, behind him Chakotay could see that something had appeared, framed in the viewport. It was a mass of swirling white light that seemed to fluctuate as he looked into it.

"Come with me into the light of our ancestors, and the pain and doubt will cease. All those who were lost to you await you there my son. There is much anticipation of your arrival."

Every bone in his body told Chakotay that he should resist. He suddenly knew this was not the spirit of his father. His every instinct told him that whatever this was, it had no connection to his family or his spiritual beliefs.

"I don't know what you are, but you are not my father!" He shouted, desperate to be free of its clutches. "Leave! I'll be damned if I'm going anywhere with you."

"See! Chakotay," said the apparition of his grandfather, who was still supporting him. "This was never my son, Kolopak. You have done well to resist him. The voices are pleased with you. I will keep you safe. You will wait here with me."

"Explain this! Now!" demanded Chakotay.

The being that had been Kolopak spoke again; its voice modulating strangely, its face contorting and its resemblance to his late father fading. "I have no need to explain myself to you. You will see me again. Next time you will not be so fortunate."

"Why were you trying so hard to convince me to go with you? What are you?" Chakotay pressed.

"Your energy is strong. You would nourish me well. Next time your life hangs in the balance, I will find you again and you will come with me."

As these last words escaped from its lips, the being started to coalesce, and Chakotay had the sensation of falling, before everything around him went black once again.

[TBC]


	5. Chapter 5

"Welcome back, Commander."

"Kathryn? Doctor, what happened?" Chakotay blinked several times, straining to focus on the three people around him.

"Perhaps you'd like to explain, Captain?"

"We were caught in a severe ion storm and we crashed here. You were critically injured. I tried everything I could to revive you. Tom just brought the Doctor here in a shuttle and he took over treating you."

As she spoke Chakotay shifted to try to sit up.

"Easy, Big Guy," said Tom Paris leaning across to help Kathryn get Chakotay into a sitting position.

"Treating you was quite a challenge, Commander," the Doctor continued, "this was no ordinary head trauma. While I was scanning you I detected an alien presence within your cerebral cortex. It appeared to be preventing my attempts to heal you."

"It's gone now, but it was touch and go there for a while," added Paris.

"You'd stopped breathing. I thought I'd lost you," Kathryn said, her eyes connecting with Chakotay's. "I've never been so glad to see the Doctor."

As he sat up fully he found himself level with her and registered the feel of her slender hand in his. Her other hand fussed with his uniform, brushing off ashes and loose shreds of the charred material. She seemed to be searching his face for something; he let his eyes feast hungrily on her familiar features as tried his best to explain.

"He told me I was dead," Chakotay attempted to explain. "And then he kept telling me to come with him... He finally admitted he wanted my 'energy' for nourishment."

"He?" she asked.

"I don't know, this alien presence perhaps? It took the form of the spirit of my father; guess it was using images from my mind. But then my grandfather appeared and warned me not to go with him... And then I saw you, and the Doctor, and you told me to fight it too."

"I have an explanation for the hallucinations, Commander. But I'm afraid it may not be to your liking."

"What do you mean?"

"When I scanned you, as well as registering the presence of this alien, I also picked up a slight change in your genetic profile. The readings were different from those of your last routine scan. Are you aware that you carry the genetic marker for the cognitive disorder Sensory Tremens?"

"Oh yes, Doctor, I'm aware of the crazy gene. The family curse. But it was suppressed before I was even born by our family physician, so I don't see-"

The Doctor cut in, "No, you wouldn't see, Commander, because I have no explanation for this either. It seems that the alien presence may have somehow activated this gene. And as you may know, the primary symptoms are visual and auditory hallucinations. Once we dislodged the alien presence, the gene receded back to its inactive state, so you have nothing to worry about now. But that may go some way to explain your hallucinations."

"I see. But the vision I saw of my grandfather was urging me to _resist_ the alien, so I don't see how that would make any sense?"

The Doctor paused to think for a moment before continuing. "Mmmm, that is intriguing. I wonder if it's possible that once the alien sharing your mind inadvertently activated the gene, it found itself exposed to the all the confusion the disorder brings with it?"

"Are you meaning to suggest that the mutant gene caused the alien to lose the ability to conceal things from Chakotay's part of the joint consciousness, and was unable to hide its intentions from him any longer?"

"Yes, Captain, I think that's a distinct possibility," The Doctor replied. "It is possible, Commander, that your unconscious mind became aware of the alien presence and of its true agenda, and was able to express that awareness by creating a vision of your grandfather to speak to you and warn you."

"Your 'crazy' gene saved your life then," Paris added.

"I guess you could say that." Chakotay smiled.

"I feel I should add that the Captain's unorthodox treatment plan may also have played a part," the Doctor put in.

"Oh? How so?" Chakotay enquired, puzzled. Kathryn squeezed his hand and looked a little sheepish.

"Well... I may have gotten a little carried away."

"Come on, spill the beans, Doctor. What exactly did the Captain do to me?"

"Well, basically she injected you with pretty much everything that was in the med kit. She gave you enough stimulants to revive a small horse, Commander. And when she'd used those up, she started to work her way through the rest of the emergency pharmaceuticals."

She reached up and brushed some dust from Chakotay's hair and gifted him one of her rare, full smiles, looking pretty pleased with herself. His heart swelled with pleasure at the sight.

The Doctor continued. "I imagine we will never know whether you were able to fight off the alien domination of your consciousness as a result of the inadvertent stimulation of your dormant gene, or as a result of the alarmingly experimental cocktail of drugs the Captain pumped into your system. No disrespect intended, Captain."

He nodded his acknowledgment to her before continuing. "In fact, I shall add this treatment plan to the emergency procedures. Only to be attempted as a last resort of course, and only on persons of a substantial body weight. That amount of drugs could have stopped the heart of a smaller person."

"Well, I for one am grateful. Thank you, Captain. Feel free to practise medicine on me anytime."

He made to stand, and Janeway and Paris assisted him. Once upright, he found he was still a little dizzy. Kathryn instinctively took some of his body weight by slotting herself under his arm and draping it over her shoulders. As the four of them made their way slowly towards the shuttle, Chakotay was surprised to feel her sliding her arm around his waist for further support.

Once Paris and the Doctor were a little ahead of them, Chakotay had to hold back an impulse to lean down and kiss her hair. Having her this close, alive and well – not to mention radiant – after everything his battered heart had just lived through was so unexpectedly and incredibly welcome. Anchoring himself to her seemed the best way to regain his purchase on the present and was helping to dispel the disorientation he'd felt as a man out of time during the past four hallucinatory days.

XXX

They disembarked from the shuttlecraft and Chakotay stood maintaining his balance by resting one hand on the angular edge that jutted out of the side of the shuttle, while the Doctor took some final scans of his vital signs. Chakotay requested that he be allowed to go to his quarters to sleep rather than have to spend the night in sickbay. The Doctor eventually agreed, but not without stressing several times the need for complete bed rest.

"And sleep you shall, Commander, I assure you. I've neutralised the effects of the remaining stimulants in your blood stream, but the body needs time to recover from a traumatic experience like this. You will feel unnaturally tired for several days. I expect to see you in sickbay in the morning for a check-up."

He told the Captain that Chakotay would need to rest for at least 48 hours before returning to duty. For his part, Chakotay duly promised he would be sure to take it easy. It was a promise he intended to keep, since he felt like he'd spent several days in the ring with a Nausicaan on steroids.

Tom Paris completed the docking procedures, locked down the shuttle, and took his leave. "It's good to have you back," he said, patting Chakotay's shoulder in passing.

"Thanks, Tom. It's certainly good to be here. I'll tell you about it over a game of pool tomorrow night in Sandrine's."

"You're on. Goodnight Chakotay, Captain."

"Goodnight, Tom and thank you," Kathryn said, as she joined her flagging first officer.

"Ready to go?" she asked Chakotay.

When he nodded in confirmation he was more than pleased to feel her slide her more than welcome arm around his waist again. Following her lead, he draped his arm around her shoulders. Paris caught his eye as he did so, but offered only a small, seemingly genuine smile.

The command team set off slowly down the corridor entwined together.

It felt very good to be home.

[TBC]


	6. Chapter 6

She supported him all the way to his quarters, when they arrived at his door he expected her to leave.

She didn't.

She followed him in, settled him first on the sofa and then replicated them both a drink. She joined him there, kicked off her boots and tucked her feet up onto the sofa beneath her. He was forced to suppress a smile. It was funny how she managed to look like a small child sometimes in that posture. It seemed like she was feeling the need to have him where she could keep an eye on him for a bit. The feeling was mutual, so even though he was absolutely exhausted, he wasn't about to admit it and send her away.

When he explained that he'd lived through four days worth of hallucinations, she was intrigued and invited him to explain. Normally he wouldn't have hesitated, they had often discussed away missions and dissected the interesting parts together in the privacy of her quarters, where they could laugh about things they wouldn't be able to share in front of the crew. But this was different.

How much of himself he would be revealing by recounting the entirety of his experience? These were probably hallucinations drawn from and inspired by his own unconscious mind. Recounting them to her would be akin to recounting his dreams, and that was something he most certainly had not been in the habit of doing these three years...

Then again, wasn't it time to change a lot of what he'd been doing with her?

"Let's just say, it was an experience I'm unlikely to forget in a hurry," he offered with a wink, to buy some time, knowing that wouldn't cut it for a minute with Kathryn Janeway.

"Really? And why would that be, Commander?" came the instant response, accompanied by a raised eyebrow and a crooked smile.

"Well, if you really want to know," he went on, a more serious tone taking over, "I watched myself die on that planet. You couldn't save me, although you did everything you could. And then I followed you and the crew for four days, as a sort of ghost or spirit." He studied her face as his words registered. "Mostly, I followed you."

All the playfulness evaporated from her voice. She moved closer to him on the sofa and her hand came to rest on his upper arm as she spoke. "Oh, Chakotay, I'm sorry I was so flippant. I can't begin to imagine what that must have been like."

"No need to apologise, Kathryn, actually, that's just what I needed, a bit of levity. It's been a pretty intense four days for me."

He looked down to the floor. How must she have felt? Trying to revive him, desperate enough to inject him with just about everything she had to hand... "I don't imagine you were exactly having fun down there today either."

"No. No, I wasn't. I was terrified. Your heart stopped. You stopped breathing. For far too long."

The hand that had been resting on his upper arm came up and as he looked up, he saw her fingers moving towards his forehead.

She went on. "I so worried. Then when the Doctor had stabilised you I was worried that the gash that went right across here..." she gently touched his forehead and then the skin above his left eye, "would be too deep for regeneration." He remained still, utterly and completely immobilised by her unexpected touch as the moment stretched between them. He watched her face, entranced, as her eyes and then her fingers slowly traced the markings of his ancestors.

"The Doctor has done a good job. I'm so glad it hasn't changed this..." The fingers that had started their exploratory touch of his regenerated skin lingered, as the touch transformed into what was undeniably a caress. She couldn't seem to stop them following each one of the inked lines across his brow. Then she held his gaze, her eyes full.

As both his skin and his soul revelled in the experience of the sort of deliberate touch that he had craved from her for longer than he could remember, he knew something had changed between them. He thought how improbable it was that after all that had happened and not happened between them, one single caress could leave him feeling so sure of this, and yet...

They were both still, eyes locked on one another as the moment settled between them.

When she found her voice again, it was low and uneven. It seemed that describing what had happened was taking her back to the planet surface, to his near lifeless body. "I panicked, Chakotay. I had no idea whether those stimulants would work. I was desperate."

"Well, they did work, and I'm fine now. More than fine," he said, as he brought his left hand up to intercept her fingers on their descent. He caught them, and brought her hand down to hold it between both of his, the hold gentle enough for her to easily slip her hand away if she wanted to.

She didn't.

They both looked down. It seemed Kathryn needed momentary respite from the intensity of what was slowly unfolding between them as much as he did. He caressed the back of her slender hand, remembering the moment he'd regained consciousness and found it in his.

He looked into those familiar eyes. "It was a wake-up call, Kathryn," he began, testing the waters.

"Yes," she replied quietly, studying her hand in his. "Yes, it was."

"You saved my life twice on that planet. The main reason I didn't agree to go with that alien was that I didn't know how to leave you."

He edged towards her and closed down the remaining distance between them. His left arm he rested along the back of the sofa behind her.

Still she didn't pull back, but held his gaze, her eyes unguarded for once. The small movement of her tongue moistening her lips was enough.

"I don't ever want either of us to go through that again," he said. He reached up to guide her chin towards him, just as she turned, needing no guidance. He lent in and gently brushed his lips against hers.

He drew back, his senses still registering the caress of her lips on his. It was still possible he'd gone too far, too fast.

"Chakotay, I..." her eyes strayed from his face and her voice trailed off for a moment, before she found it again. "We need to talk."

"Yes, we do," he agreed, suppressing a sigh. He _had_ gone too far. She would leave now. She would put some distance between them before he clouded the waters even more.

But she didn't move immediately, so he regrouped and continued.

"We do need to talk, you're right, but I'm in no fit state to have that conversation right now. I really do need to sleep. As a devoted disciple of the Kathryn Janeway School of Denial in all matters medical, I'd love to say I'm fine, but frankly I'm completely exhausted. And... I'm not even sure I can get back up off this sofa and make it to the bed…" He smiled at her. "Help me up?"

Some of the tension seemed to dissipate from her expression and she smiled back as she stood and used the hand he was still holding to help pull him up.

"Of course. What do you need me to do?" She seemed relieved by the distraction of his immediate needs and Chakotay was relieved too. Because she was still here...

He hadn't been exaggerating, and they laughed at the effort it took them both to get him up off the low sofa and upright again. Her renewed awareness of his weakened physical state threw her straight back into command mode. She helped him through his bedroom, picking up his pyjamas on the way and left him in his bathroom to change.

When he emerged in his pyjamas a few minutes later, feeling slightly better for having freshened up and completed his night time routines on automatic pilot, his mind still totally preoccupied by thoughts of how to keep her there longer, he found her piling up his pillows so he could sit up with his back supported. He smiled to see her caring for him in this way.

He settled himself, sitting back against the stack of pillows. It felt good to know he wouldn't have to get up again. He was truly spent. Unsolicited, she fetched a glass of water and placed it beside his bed as he shifted to get comfortable. She was lingering, when he knew she would be telling herself she ought to go.

Lingering was good.

"Can I get you anything else?" she asked, as she stood by the side of the bed next to him.

"No, but you could stay here with me..." he risked, emboldened by the lingering, the game-changing moment when her fingers had caressed his temple, and that brief and precious touch of her lips. Despite the activity of the past few minutes, it remained a fresh and vibrant sensation.

"You know we can't do this." She looked away again, but he wasn't about to give up easily this time.

"Stay here with me, just for tonight? I just need to hold you." He took her hand and tugged gently until she lowered herself to sit on the edge of his bed. The lack of resistance gave him the confidence to continue.

Dimples at full force he pressed on. "Go replicate yourself one of your full body armour New Earth nightgowns, and then come and stay here with me, just for tonight. I just need you close tonight, that's all. Safe to say, I won't be trying to persuade you to do anything other than let me hold you. I'm as weak as a lamb. Tomorrow we talk."

"It'll never be _safe_ for us, Chakotay. Surely you can see that after today of all days?"

She still hadn't said no. She was torn, for sure, but she had turned slightly towards him, and her right thigh pressed against his.

He sensed she was leaving the door to other possibilities between them open a tiny, tiny crack; he wasn't above using a little emotional blackmail tonight to get his foot firmly wedged in.

"I don't want to be alone tonight, Kathryn." He looked down for a beat, then reconnected with her gaze. "Computer, raise room temperature by 3 degrees." The computer responded. "Now look, we don't even need to get under the covers. I'm still giving off heat like some sort of reactor, probably a side-effect of your horse-resuscitation therapy, so we won't be 'in bed' together; we'll be 'on bed'. It's really quite different. Please stay?" The corner of her mouth twitched upwards at his sophistry.

Then she slipped her hand out of his, paused and then placed it on his chest, over his heart and smiled a shy smile. He knew he'd won.

"OK. Deal, just for tonight. I'll go and replicate something to wear in a minute. You probably shouldn't be left alone anyway."

"I probably shouldn't," he replied with another smile. Not wanting to risk her having time to change her mind, he gently guided her round and shifted himself until they were in a comfortable position. He relished the feel of her slight form fitting perfectly against him. He brought his arms around her and kissed her hair as the top of her head came to rest just under his chin. He felt her body relax a little against him and settle into his warmth. Once she had spent the night sleeping in his arms, perhaps she would find it harder to deny her need for touch, for the warmth of another person surrounding her? And not just any other person. The touch and warmth of a man who loved her.

Maybe she would begin to realise that refusing to acknowledge what she felt for him wasn't a sign of strength and wouldn't keep her heart safe? Perhaps she might begin to consider seriously what it would mean to condemn them both to an indefinite future in which intimacy and love were forbidden luxuries.

His thoughts ended there, as he could feel sleep very close at hand. As his eyes closed, he became aware of the heaviness he felt in all his limbs. He forced himself to stay awake long a little longer, to talk to her a little more.

His voice came, low, through closed lashes. "Spend the evening with me tomorrow. I want to take you somewhere. I've been working on a holodeck programme, and I'd like your opinion on it."

"Sounds intriguing. What sort of programme?"

"Wait and see."

"No hints even?"

"No hints."

"Not even one little one?"

He opened one eye for a moment, to look down at her, and then closed it again. "OK, just one. Earth, Tropical climate. That's all you're gonna get."

"Very well, Commander. I'll reserve time for us tomorrow evening. But then you'd have to stand up Mr. Paris..."

"Oh, that's alright. He'll understand."

"You seem very confident of that?"

"Yes, I do, don't I?" he chuckled.

Things were going to change.

He was no fool. He knew he'd need a watertight strategy to counter the backtracking that he already expected to come the next day, but he was determined. He could be stubborn too. He would need to employ all the advanced tactical skills he had in his arsenal, but he found he was looking forward to this now. A smile formed on his lips as he began to drift off to sleep.

He remembered the man he had been before his life in the alpha quadrant had fallen apart around him. The man who had never been content for others to tell him what he could and couldn't do. The man who didn't shy away from a challenge. The man who would do whatever it took to achieve a goal.

Since waking up from the dead and looking up into her eyes on the planet, he found he was starting to feel a little more like that man again.

Yes, things were going to change.

[The End] 


End file.
